at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
