So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This baby is an asshole
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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