Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
