we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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