I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
