I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize