Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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