one word: firstdatebathroomanal
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
