I will die if light touches me.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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