Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize