Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
