I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize