On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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