Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
