I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
