i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
