Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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