Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
