omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So squirting runs in the family.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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