I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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