I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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