If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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