he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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