quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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