found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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