smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
