Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
