Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize