his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just sucked dick on a ferry
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
