you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
