If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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