i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
