How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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