If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
