Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
