barbara walters just said penis...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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