I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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