The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
