I will die if light touches me.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
