If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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