god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
