how can u be prego again
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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