A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
