i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
