My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
