Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
