They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She told me I should be a condom model.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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