I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
