paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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