I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
