he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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