I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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