Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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