Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
