Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
