you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
