did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
