we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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