my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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